Thursday, October 22, 2009

Angels and Miracles

When women speak confidentially to one another, almost every one of them shares this tragic secret: At some point in their reproductive career, they have lost a child. 

Many have had multiple miscarriages before or in between or even after having beautiful perfect children. They persist and they go on. They deal with the pain quietly, only sharing when they hear of another sister's loss. It is so common. Tragic but common. So many of us share this pain.

It just goes to show how it is a miracle that each and every one of us is born. There must be a very good reason for us to be here because getting here is NOT easy.  

Yesterday, I was shocked and devastated to learn from my doctor at a routine visit that the baby I was convinced was thriving in my womb, the child whose heart my husband and I had witnessed beating just a month ago in a sonogram was no longer alive. How could this be? How could this happen? What to do? What does it all mean? Where do we go from here?

This morning I got up at 5:00AM to just walk. Walking has always been therapy for me. During my walk, I cried some tears, and then suddenly remembered something my 5 year old son had told me several days ago. I hadn't thought much of it at the time.

Lukie had told me that he had had a dream about the baby sister. We didn't actually know what we were having but we thought the baby was a girl for whatever bizarre reason. He had told me that he dreamed that we had lost the baby sister, that we could not find her. That he looked and looked for her and finally found her. She was not a baby but a little girl.

When I came back from walking this morning, Lukie was just waking up. He came into the kitchen yawning dressed in his boxer pull-ups, pajama top and Spider Man slippers. I hugged and kissed him and then asked him to tell me more about the dream he had told me about before. "Can you tell me more about the baby sister you saw in your dream?"

"Yes," he said with confidence. "She was a girl--not a baby--she was about Macie's size. She had black hair and brown eyes. She had purple clothes and black shoes. She smiled at me."

"Lukie," I said, "I think that was the Baby Sister. I think she came to tell you goodbye for us and to let you know that she would be our angel in Heaven looking out for us. Do you feel that that is what happened?"

"Yes, Mommy," he said and smiled and hugged me.

Was Lukie visited by an angel? Our baby who would not be? I cannot say whether it is true or not. What I can tell you is that believing this is helping us to heal. I choose to believe in angels. And Lukie and Macie take comfort in believing that the baby sister they were so eagerly looking forward to helping Mommy with is actually an angel in Heaven helping Mommy with them.

More importantly, I want my children to know that they are miracles. That just by virtue of existing here on Earth, they are meant to be. The Universe has plans for them and they should never doubt that they are worthy. We are all worthy. We are all miracles. 

So, when you are sad and doubting yourself; when you wonder why you are here; when you wonder if you are doing enough or if you are perfect enough or if you are a failure, remember this: 

You are not a mistake. The odds against your being here are enormous. The fact that you exist demonstrates that you were meant to be. So be at peace. Whatever your worries, be at peace. Whatever your fears are, be at peace.  You are here for a reason and your life matters.

Live. Know. Be.

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