Love Is Never A Mistake

"When you came together at the time it was meant to be. It was not a mistake. Your children are not a mistake. The life you built together was not a mistake. If it is time to move on, then let's move on, but let's honor the past as we look to the future."

I always tell my clients this when they come in to see me for the first time. I just feel in my heart that this has to be true and this is why I feel called to be a peacemaker and healer for divorcing couples and why I can no longer bring myself to practice law. I just can't take sides. I just don't see the point of fighting. Luckily, there are plenty of skilled lawyers out there who can advise divorcing people of their legal rights. I refer individuals to them often and God bless them. Their work is not easy.

As for me, when a couple is divorcing, I see only too clearly that what we have here is a family. Even if there were no children born of the marriage, the couple was a family to each other. They shared their lives and their love with each other for however long. They learned from each other. They are who they are today because they came into each other's lives. Despite whatever pain and suffering they may have advertantly or inadvertantly caused each other, there was also joy and laughter. There are good memories as well as bad, and if they have children together, then there are still many memories to be made special. They owe their children the decency of honoring and respecting one another. 

What I want couples to know is that they came together for a reason. They walked on the same path for the time that they did in order to grow spiritually. If I am not mistaken, many therapists indicate that people come together to help heal their pains from childhood, most often marrying people with traits like their own parents. So even if now the couple has grown apart, I feel a moral obligation to honor, respect and cherish the marriage, even as it is ending. I feel strongly the need to empower the couple to move on in a mature and healthy way, to help them forgive each other as well as their own selves.

By forgiving one another, not only do they heal themselves, they demonstrate for others the way to peace. For the only way to peace is to first make peace with oneself.

Just imagine what the world would be like if more people were at peace with themselves? What would happen if people didn't feel the need to "punish" others for slings and arrows, real or imagined? What if people could let go of the Ego and instead say to their spouse, "Thank you for having taught me. Thank you for helping me grow. I wish for you peace and love and happiness. May it be so."

Move on. Move on. Love is never a mistake.

Saving Yourself

"Once upon a time there was a very friendly princess who was captured by a big, grumpy, invisible wizard,
And he locked her in the tippy top of his tower...
Now this princess got very, very smart after years of thinking in the tower,
and it began to dawn on her that perhaps the invisible wizard wasn't even there.
So she approached the gigantic door that kept her locked into the tower
and she OPENED IT,
and tiptoed carefully down the stairs...
where low and behold she walked into a clearing in the woods and she was free!
And you'll never believe it, but there was an entire village
of forest animals and people dancing and singing.
They had been waiting for her all these years."

--The Roches,  Goodnight

Sometimes we feel angry or scared or that the whole world is against us and we don't even know why. When things don't seem to be going our way, it is easy to get trapped into thinking that someone or something is doing it to us. If only this person would stop picking on me...If only that person would go away...If only I had a better job, a better car, better hair...If only (fill in the blank here), I would be (pick one) happier, perfect, rich, okay, saved.

But what if I were to tell you that all those things that are keeping you stuck, all those people who are holding you back, all that baggage that is dragging you down--none of it really matters. No one, no thing, no situation controls you. No one, no thing, no situation is making you miserable. Guess who's really making you miserable?

Yep, you got it: You.

"But, but, but..." I hear you say.

No, it's really you. Trust me.

Now, I know you are not doing it to yourself on purpose. You don't mean to keep yourself stuck. I know you are doing the best you can with what you think you got right now. You think you need more to be happy and you could definitely make some positive changes in your life. Couldn't we all?

Yes and no. Everything you really need, you've had all along. You are golden, just the way you are. You don't need anything else to be happy. Not that you shouldn't feel free to develop and explore your interests. Don't stop striving for your dreams. What you need to know, however, is that there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. Know also that the Big Dream is not the be all and end all. It doesn't really matter if you make it or you don't. It's the journey along the way where all the fun is to be had.

You see, happiness is not for someday in the future when all your dreams come true. Happiness is right there inside you right now. You were born with it. It has always been there. And no one can take it away from you without your permission.

Remember Dorothy and her adventure to the Emerald City? Dorothy made some terrific friends along the way to meet the great and powerful Oz. But the wizard couldn't give her or her friends anything they didn't already have. In fact, it turned out, Dorothy had the means to get herself home to Kansas the whole time. Click, click, click.

And you have the means to get yourself home to happiness. You had it all the time.

Do I make it sound easy? That's because it is (unless there is something chemical or otherwise serious going on. In that case, it's helpful to explore your issues with an experienced doctor, psychologist or therapist). For your garden variety gripes and grouses, however, you may just need to look at your life a different way. I'm not a statistician, but I would say that 90% of life is showing up with the right attitude.  No matter what happens to you in your life--and oh, things will happen, it's true--you will have to deal. But it is the manner in which you deal with it that will make all the difference.

I myself have spent many a night trapped in the tower of my racing mind, unable to sleep, tossing and turning, worrying, agonizing, fretting about the future. I've spent days hiding from the world in my office, home or dorm room, not feeling like going out, angry at someone or some situation, fearful of my fate and I can tell you one thing about it:

It was a total waste of my time.

Well, maybe not a total waste. I guess I had to go through it so I could learn to set myself free by changing the channel of my mind; to learn that I can stop thinking about what is wrong and start thinking about what is right. I can count my blessings instead of my curses. And I've learned that my curses usually eventually turn out to be yet more blessings in disguise.

Now, maybe you might say that it is silly; that it's all just in my Pollyanna head. And, I would have to agree with you on that.  I've made up my mind see the best in everything and everyone. I've chosen to save myself by feeling love and compassion instead of fear and anger for the people and things that bother me. (Sometimes it is harder than others, but I'm practicing). What's more, I can choose to focus on the people and things that I easily love and enjoy: My family, my friends, my blessings.

I hold the key.

And so do you, despite whatever wicked witch or wizard may be dogging you.

Remembering Who We Really Are

Sometimes we feel lost. We feel a dissonance, a malaise. We feel unsure, anxious, afraid of the future. When this happens, it is helpful to remember who we are. Of course, to remember who we are presupposes that we have actually forgotten who we are, and furthermore, that we knew who we were in the first place.

How about you? Can you tell me who you are?

Oh sure, you can tell me all kinds of things about yourself: Your name, your age, your occupation, where you were born, where you live, the names of your favorite team, singing group, television show or movie. I can see it all right there on your Facebook page. But in your heart of hearts, do you remember that perfect, beautiful life force that is you? Do you remember that you are a child of this Universe, innocent and pure and free? Do you remember that you are part of something greater than the trials and tribulations you experience out here in this seemingly harsh world? Have you forgotten that you are more than just a body going through motions in time and space?

Easy to forget, isn't it?

In Stephen King's, Dark Tower series of novels, when a character goes off course or does something kind of lame, the main character Roland or someone would say, "You have forgotten the face of your father." In other words, you have forgotten what you are made of and that you are a child of the Universe, a creation of God.

As hard as we may try to center ourselves and listen to that quiet, all knowing voice that says, "Be. Live. Fear not. Everything is the way it is supposed to be. Pay attention to the lesson.  Don't Panic!" What we often do is get lost in the hustle and bustle, rushing everywhere, doing, worrying, doubting ourselves, blaming others, being afraid. We forget to be patient with ourselves and the people we interact with. We forget to listen. We forget that we have a calling, a dream, a purpose. We get bogged down in the details of muddling through this life.

But it doesn't have to be that way. At least not all the time.

We can remember who we are and that no matter what anyone might say or do to us, we are deserving of peace, love and happiness. In fact, that is exactly what we are: Peace, love, happiness, light. We have been right here all the time. We have just forgotten.

We can't feel that inner peace unless we stop and remember who we are. No one can remember for us. It is up to each one of us to realize that we are not our job description, we are not grades on a report card, we are not whatever numbers we have in our financial portfolio.

What we need to do a little everyday is pause, and think. And remember.

Remember that we are perfect, lovable, forgivable souls--no matter what we have done or what mistakes we may have made. All living things are connected and holy and beautiful.  Our main purpose is to love each other and ourselves and to be happy. It doesn't always seem that way and it may take a lot of practice.  But, no matter what we need to do, no matter when the deadlines are or how many errands we need to run, we can take a moment and breathe and check in and be mindful that underneath it all, we are still that shining light. We are worthy human beings.

Think about that the next time someone annoys, irritates or angers you. Because the same goes for them. It's hard sometimes, I know. But if you remember who and what you truly are, it will be easier to have compassion and forgiveness for others. That is your blessing and your miracle and the answer to the real problem that is keeping you stuck.

So, don't forget.