Forgiveness is Healing: The Quest for Inner Peace

‎"Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions."

--Dr. Gerald Jampolsky, Psychiatrist and founder (together with his wife, Psychologist Diane Circincione) of the International Center for Attitudinal Healing (ICAH)

The other day, while I was looking for inspiration, I found the above quote of Dr. Gerald Jampolsky.  As a seeker of inner peace, this quote spoke to me. These words seem on their face pretty clear: Let go of hate and anger. Forgive others for any past wrongs, real or imagined, and feel calmer and more in control of your life.

So, I get letting go of the past.  But what does it mean to correct our misperceptions? Misperceptions of what? I decided to learn a little more about this Jerry Jampolsky felllow and his philosophies to see what I could use. This is what I found:

At his website, http://www.jerryjampolsky.com, Jerry and his wife Diane entitle their homepage: "Attitudinal Healing." That makes sense to me, too. Have the right attitude and it will help you heal. I've read enough self help books to know about all that. In fact, Jerry and Diane have apparently written several books of their over the past few decades with such titles as Change Your Mind, Change Your Life; Love is Letting Go of Fear;  Good-Bye to Guilt:  Releasing Fear Through Forgiveness; and Love is the Answer: Creating Positive Relationships.  These writings are originally inspired by and expound upon the famous A Course in Miracles self study spiritual program which also speaks of the concept of using forgiveness to correct our misperceptions. Dr. Jampolsky worked on a version of this course with the also-famous inner-peace guru, Maryanne Williamson.

Patricia Robinson, co-founder of the International Center for Attitudinal Healing describes it thus:

"In relationships...our ego mind says that we are being attacked.  The fact, however, is that there are no true realities, only perceptions... it is only our own perceptions that make us feel that we are being attacked.  We have the choice to fill up with the powerful love energy so that we are able to not even have to defend ourselves."

In other words, we can choose to decide that we are not under attack and let harsh words roll off our backs as we recognize that the people saying the words are really saying that they are unhappy or anxious or confused and that they need our compassion.   Think about it. When your child is angry that you have put him in a time out or taken away a favorite toy as a punishment, he might yell, "I HATE YOU! YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER EVER!" Obviously, your child does not really hate you and you are not really the worst mother ever and it is easy to forgive this child for saying such words because we know that this is something that children sometimes say when they are frustrated or over-tired. It's not really about us, it's about them.

So then why can't we apply this concept to grown ups? I'm thinking Dr. Jerry is saying that we can. In fact, if you choose to, you can decide to not let anything anyone does to you offend you. At the very least, after you've rolled around in the pain of it for a while, you can just release it and let it go. It's a choice. And a very empowering one.

So then when we say that through forgiveness we correct our misperceptions, we are correcting the misperceptions that we have been attacked or harmed or sinned against. Because once we get to the place where we are OK with ourselves and everything that we are, we will perceive that the harm or attack or sin was just an expression of fear. It wasn't really about us, it doesn't really exist except in our minds. And we can choose peace instead of outrage or anger or fear on our own part.

There is also the concept that we have the misperceptions as humans that there is an "us" and a "them," that we are separate, competing entities, instead of one human family. When we forgive ourselves and others (even if they don't forgive us back), we get in touch with the God-like spark inside of us, of which we are all supposed to be a part. By forgiving another, we are actually forgiving ourselves. And when we forgive another, we are actually healing ourselves.

I think I need to learn some more about this. I'll let you know what I find out. I picked up my own copy of A Course in Miracles and have ordered the works of Jerry Jampolski and Maryanne Williamson from Amazon.com to supplement my summer reading.  I'm on my way to get me some more of that there inner peace. I'll try to bring you back a slice.

Making Your Own Luck

Ever notice how it's much more fun to give presents to people who really know how to receive? Whereas it's no fun at all to give to those who don't appreciate your generosity?  Don't you just love to be around the person who acknowledges your contributions? Doesn't it make you want to keep on doing your best for them? When my children or my husband thank me for any reason, my heart just melts and I want to do even more for them. 


However, if I go to the trouble to, say, make a special dinner, and all I get is complaints and a refusal to eat what is served. Guess what? Momma ain't gonna cook no more (well, at least until tomorrow night).


This is the other side of the coin. The person who doesn't appreciate you. The person who constantly finds fault with you. How much are you enjoying being around that person? I'd have to guess not very much. The person who does not graciously accept your gifts, either material, or of time and love, the person who criticizes and complains about everything not being good enough. You know what you want to give them, right? Bupkis. 


Now, I can't pretend to know how the Universe really works. I just have a hunch that maybe we all can create our own luck by being happy and grateful with what we already have. Hey, at least it's a start. Besides, sometimes when my kids ask me for more toys, for example. What's my reaction? "Well, I haven't seen you play with the toys you already have. Maybe if I felt you appreciated the things you have, I would be inclined to get you more." I know it's kind of a paradox. Need less, get more. Although this is probably a bad example because my son usually wears me down and we end up with a trip to Wal-mart for another pack of Pokemon cards anyway, and to even things out a Tiger Beat magazine with Justin Bieber all over the cover for my daughter. And then they are really thankful and huggy and saying how I am the best mommy in the world. OK, so they've got my number, don't they?


Regardless, when you stop to list all that you really have, don't you then realize that you have much more than you originally thought? What if when you fail to appreciate all the blessings in your life, the Universe actually says in return, "Oh yeah? So it's like that, is it? Well, fine, forgetaboutit." Now is God really going to give you the shaft for not being thankful? I seriously doubt it. But then again, I would suspect that those most generous with their prayers--especially for others--enjoy a bonanza of peace and love.


Expressing gratitude. What could it hurt? Even if it's not the case that being thankful for what you have gets you more, it sure is much more pleasant going through life as a happy, grateful person than going through life as someone who is never satisfied with anything. I know that I personally would rather hang around with the happy, grateful person than with the whining, complaining stick in the mud. Wouldn't you?


So create some luck for yourself today. Take stock of what you have going on for yourself. Smile and express your gratitude any way you can. I'm willing to bet that even if you don't get more, you'll feel like you have a lot more. Your heart will fill with joy. Your cup will runneth over. And it won't even cost you a dime. 

The Upward Spiral Revisited

It may or may not surprise you to learn that lawyers leave the profession at almost the same rate that they enter it. In fact, a recent survey of lawyers determined that a large percentage of them are unhappy, with one-third of lawyers indicating they would leave the profession if they could. Why? Their contrary, pessimistic and bombastic style (and that of their colleagues), long hours, and lack of control over their lives are physically and mentally damaging to them and their families. Always having to be right. Always having to win. Always having to do a battle of words and case law with your opponents will wear you down. Is it any wonder that the rate of alcoholism and depression among lawyers is 3.6 times that of the general population? Or that the rate of suicide and divorce among lawyers is higher than in almost any other profession?

And yet law schools continue to churn out lawyers. In fact, I have just finished in this Spring 2011 semester leading my first class of undergraduate students at Florida Institute of Technology as Professor of Introduction to Law and will teach the course again in the Fall. I was charged with enlightening students about what law is, what lawyers and judges do, and how they interact with the rest of our society. My goal was to get them excited about the law. And, though there is plenty to get excited about, I also felt obligated to inform them about the many challenges lawyers face. Before my first day, I was concerned about what I could tell them that wouldn’t send them screaming for the classroom door or have them contemplating pre-med instead of a pre-law concentration.  I asked myself what I could tell them so that if and when they did become lawyers some day, they wouldn’t suffer the same fate as thousands of burned-out and unhappy legal practitioners.

I found an answer in a book by Harvey Hyman, J.D., a lawyer who—after practicing plaintiff’s personal injury law for 25 years--was hospitalized for major depression with suicidal thoughts twice in 2007, but came back from the brink and into a more satisfying law practice. His book, The Upward Spiral: Getting Lawyers from Daily Misery to Lifetime Wellbeing (Lawyers’ Wellbeing, Inc., 2010) is a must read for any lawyer or would-be lawyer. Because if we are going to preserve the integrity of the legal profession, we need to start teaching lawyers to take better care of themselves. We also have to make inroads into civilizing the current adversarial and dehumanizing legal culture.

In his book, and on his website dedicated to the wellbeing of lawyers (seewww.lawyerswellbeing.com), Mr. Hyman addresses head on the causes of misery for lawyers, such as the paucity of civility in the profession, the wide-spread use of destructive anger as a weapon, materialism, isolation, loneliness, negativity, formalism and the chronic stress that permeates the typical legal practice.  Mr. Hyman not only identifies problems with lawyers and the legal profession; he is also forthcoming with solutions such as having lawyers reevaluate the effectiveness of anger and the compulsion to constantly be in control. In Part II of his book, Mr. Hyman describes in detail how lawyers can create a lifetime of well-being in both their personal and professional lives, through such means as the use and practice of communication without violence, meditation, positive thinking, improving personal and professional relationships, and eating and exercising for optimal mental health.

I love the way Mr. Hyman writes. As I read his book, I found myself underlining and circling almost every other line in his book and making notes such as “so true” and “brilliant” in the margins. Even more often I made stars next to nuggets of wisdom such as “It’s crucial to recognize our responsibility for what we say” and “Try being empathic. It won’t make you less of a lawyer, and it will make you more of a human being.” I even found myself quoting him in my status updates on Facebook.  It is fascinating to me how a man can go to hell and back and talk about it in such an illuminating, honest and engaging way.

His arguments on the importance of well-being are most persuasive. It makes sense to me when he says that “Wellbeing is more important than the things our society most prizes, such as material wealth, fame and longevity of years,” which includes “genuine career satisfaction from the ethical pursuit of personally meaningful work; rich societal connectedness…that give one’s life a larger meaning than the pleasure of consumption.”  He points out the distorted thinking and oversized egos of many lawyers and their confusion of what “zealous representation” is actually supposed to mean.

He has done extensive research and presents the material in an understandable way. Mr. Hyman intends for his book to help lawyers see and treat other people—and that includes clients and other lawyers—as human beings.  What he wants is for lawyers to thrive in every area of their lives. If more lawyers are willing to listen and to implement Mr. Hyman’s strategies, I believe they would be on the road to doing just that.

At the end of the Spring semester, a few of my students indicated to me that they had been inspired to apply to law school. Knowing the quality of their work in my class I am hopeful both for them and for the legal profession. My hope is that more bright and promising young people will find happiness inside the legal profession. After all, there are rights out there that need to be protected.